Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Five Things You Need to Know: The Ghost of Greenspan...

The Ghost of Greenspeak
By Kevin Depew

The chief executive of Penguin Publishing's parent company Pearson, said yesterday that Alan Greenspan had agreed to allow a ghost writer to help give his memoirs more "pace," the Times Online reported.

  • Dame Marjorie Scardino, chief executive of Penguin’s parent company Pearson, said yesterday that Alan Greenspan had agreed to allow a ghost writer to help to “make [his memoir] more pacey — because Alan is an academic.”
  • Dame Marjorie said, however, that the former US Federal Reserve Chairman is proving to be “a diligent author” who will definitely help his publisher to make a return on the $8.5 million spent to secure the rights to produce his memoir.
  • After a daring early-morning raid that did not involve the use or injury of small animals, Minyanville has uncovered a rough draft of a paragraph from Mr. Greenpsan's unedited memoirs:

Alan Greenspan's Unedited Memoirs, opening paragraph:
"We may not be able to usefully determine at what point my contributions as Federal Reserve chairman and, later, ad hoc economic advisor, will slow or even reverse, but it is evident that the greater the degree of international flexibility, the less the risk of a crisis. Should globalization continue unfettered and thereby create an ever more flexible international financial system, history suggests that current account imbalances will be defused with modest risk of disruption."

The Ghost of Greenspeak

Yeesh. After reading the excerpt above, I see what Dame Marjorie means. Good lord, Sir Alan Shake Spear-me-in-the-brain so I don't have to read one more word of that horribly boring prose! That text is dry as West Texas dust! It's as exciting as a fly in an ice cube! Greenspan doesn't need a ghost writer, he needs a ghost rememberer! Ok, enough. Even though I got plenty more of those, I'll stop because you get the point: dude needs a ghost writer.

Below is the same Alan Greenspan memoir paragraph massaged by potential ghost writers!

  • Alan Greenspan's Memoirs, as ghost written by Herman Melville:
    "Call me Ishmael. Although my real name is Alan Joseph Greenspan. Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me no shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world, and periodically adjust short term rates to manage inflationary pressures and the occasional bout of undesirable declines in the general rate of inflation."
  • Alan Greenspan's Memoirs, as ghost written by Richard Wright:
    An alarm clock clanged in the dark and silent room. A bed spring creaked. A woman's voice sang out impatiently:
    "Alan, shut that irrationally exuberant alarm clock off!"
    A surly grunt sounded above the tinny ring of metal. Naked feet swished dryly across the planks in the wooden floor and the clang ceased abruptly. So far there is little evidence to undermine the notion that most of the productivity increase of recent years has been structural and that structural productivity may still be accelerating."
  • Alan Greenpan's Memoirs, as ghost written by Thomas Pynchon:
    "A screaming comes across the sky. It has happened before, but there is nothing to compare it to now. It is too late. The evacuation still proceeds, but it's all theatre. The federal funds rate must rise at some point to prevent pressures on price inflation from eventually emerging. There are no lights inside the cars. No light anywhere."
  • Alan Greenspan's Memoirs, as ghost written by Hunter S. Thompson:
    "We were somewhere around Barstow in 1998 on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; financial intermediation, although it cannot alter the underlying risk in holding direct claims on real assets, can redistribute risks in a manner that alters behavior." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas."
  • Alan Greenspan's Memoirs, as ghost written by Franz Kafka:
    "Someone must have been telling lies about Alan G., for without having done anything wrong he was arrested one fine morning. His landlady's cook, who always brought him his breakfast at eight o'clock, failed to appear on this occasion. That had never happened before. G. waited for a little while longer, as the conceptual share of the value added in our economic processes expands further, the ability to think abstractly will be increasingly important across a broad range of professions. Critical awareness and the abilities to hypothesize, to interpret, and to communicate are essential elements of successful innovation in a conceptual-based economy."
Read All of Pepe's "Five Things"


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Anonymous Anonymous said...

...forget the dryness, forget the awkward compound sentence structures to simulate intelligence.
Look at the absurdity! ..further globlization... financial markets .. (he implies): will fix themselves and all will be rosy forever more.
The system is broke; Fed governors express doubt if QE2 is even going to be a fix and this "perpetrator" of unlimited debt issuance & 0 rates 'infiniti' is telling any idiot that buys his book how things will be just fine?!?!

10:25 AM  

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